Crappy

I’ve been thinking about the past a lot lately. And I think the reason is because I’m old already.
My father told me years ago that when a person grows old, his/her mind becomes occupied mostly with recollections of yesteryear. And he’s right! My thoughts now race all the way back to the time when I was kid, something I wouldn’t even think about when I was younger! And I found out I couldn’t just selectively pick only the good stuff from the spate of disparate experiences that beset me, all the while living through the gamut of emotions from regretful to grateful! Now that I’ve aged a lot, I also got dealt with a lot of memories to look back to. And even as I try to focus on only what’s on hand, I’m always drawn somehow to shift my sight from the horizon that’s just ahead, down to the path I’m standing on, and then all the way tracing back to where I came from. Ah, what incredible guilt trip! And it sounds like I’m remorseful about a lot of things. Well, lemme see, how many hearts did I break? I guess, a few. How many feelings did I hurt? I guess, a few. How many good opportunities did I pass up? I guess, a few. How many well-meaning people did I take for granted? I guess, a few. Okay, now, let me calculate once and for all this freaking payback figure in my head: “a few” + “a few” + “a few” + “a few” = a lot?? OMG, that’s like a ton of guilt, right?! No wonder I feel crappy nowadays!
And just a side thought as my unsolicited advice to the youth: Ask your parents for guidance whenever you’re faced with a seemingly insurmountable dilemma. Parents are there for a reason: they are your answered prayers for every growing-up trial you may face. Chances are they’d been down your troubling, rocky road before and they know exactly where each kind of path will lead you. Don’t go it alone with even the slightest doubt dampening your spirit. Your parents are the key to your portal through maturity. They know better, especially when you feel clueless about life.

the paths from regretful to grateful and then back, 12"x9", acrylic on Strathmore 400-series, 60-lb Sketch paper

the paths from regretful to grateful and then back, 12"x9", acrylic on Strathmore 400-series, 60-lb Sketch paper

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9 Responses

  1. Don’t feel crappy my dear friend….remember each day and every day…means a new beginning…HOPE…CHANCE…to redeem yourself…even if you think ” A LOT” had been lost. It is never too late or too early to start working toward a WONDERFUL NEW BEGINNING.Just continue to find the STAR that really twinkle in your heart….and GO FOR IT !I have great faith in you…that you can do it !Rock on dude!

    • Hi, 5378!
      Thanks so much for the encouragement– and most especially, the trust and faith you have in me! If I only had even half the perseverance and single-mindedness of purpose that you have, I’d probably have reached the moon already– just by walking!
      Thank you for everything, from the depths of my heart! I appreciate it a lot!!!
      Take care, 5378, and GOD Bless you always!!!

  2. kuya boychie, don’t feel crappy nor think this post is lame; you’re just being introspective and/or retrospective…i think about my past a lot; and it’s probably speckled or should i say, splattered with a slew of miscalculations, hasty decisions, and sheer stupidity. but, i’ve gotta learn from them and just like 5378 said, “…it’s never too late or too early to start working toward a WONDERFUL NEW BEGINNING.”

  3. hehehe i hit the “submit comment” button too soon…

    here’s a (((hug))) – cheer up kuya boychie! love you! mwah!

    (now, i can click “submit comment”) ….

    • Hi, Lynchie! Thank you, thank you so much for your encouraging message and for cheering me up!
      Minsan kasi, ‘di ko maiwasan na maisip yung nakaraan and wonder what the heck happened all those years! Well, ganun lang talaga siguro ang buhay– parang “life.”
      Salamat ulit, Lynchie! I love you!
      Take care and GOD Bless you always!!!

  4. Classmate, don’t feel crappy. Everyone of us makes mistakes(who didn’t?). On this planet Earth, people tend to establish “norms” as a baseline to be called “successful” like good education, material wealth, fame and power. But as we grow older and as we find some time to “think”, there ‘s a greater power within us that establish our own standard to be called “successful” ,ie, for other people it might be “peace of mind”, good health, good friendship etc.
    But it is always a common mistake to compare ourselves to others, for there is always a lesser and better person to us. There’s a saying that we need to treat every-day of our lives as our last, for it will bring the very best in us and focus all our energies to the task at hand BUT there’s always the temptation in dwelling too much on the past! Well, by riding memory lane, we either amuse ourselves or regret it!
    In my personal experience classmate, you’re right, our parents advice are a solid moral foundation that we can rely on, it serves as a lighthouse amidst the frightening current of the rough seas, it serves as a single voice that said “you can” when all the world around you said “you can’t” and it consoles you in solitude when challenges ahead seems insurmountable.
    I firmly believe that all of us have all the necessary ingredients to succeed regardless of age and status in life. All we need is to unlock the powers within us and most importantly, trust in HIM every millisecond of our lives!

    Regards,

    Ramon

    • Ramon, first of all, I want to say a huge HELLO to you! It’s been a very looong time since I’ve heard from you!
      And I want to thank you for this message that you wrote– a very eloquently and excellently written response about your own ideas on life in general! I am actually overwhelmed with feelings of hope and enlightened by the wisdom of your thoughts! You are absolutely right in that by trusting “in HIM every millisecond of our lives” and treating every day of our lives as if it were our last, we will indeed bring out the very best in us! And you are correct as well: by riding memory lane, I’d either amuse myself or regret it!
      Thank you so much, Ramon, from the bottom of my heart, for your invaluable insights!
      It’s very nice to hear from you again, my friend! Thank you for keeping in touch– so very much appreciated!
      Please send my best regards to your whole family!
      Take care and GOD Bless you and all your loved ones always!!!

  5. I loved your thoughts. Almost happening to me, too. But this crappy feeling is just a phase eh? And I think it’s one of the signs of wisdom. Lol. I mean, the reflection and all that. By the way, nice moving header you have.

    • Hi, wits! Thanks so much for the visit!
      Yes, this crappy feeling is just temporary, I know. I realized every day is an opportunity to be happy.
      And thanks for the compliment, wits! I appreciate it a lot!
      Take care and GOD Bless you always!!!

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